The Uryu Chronicles: Trials in the Life of a Straight Man
by Anna Yukihira
Summary: Uryu keeps a diary (well, he would insist on "journal"). Because he needs someplace to vent about Ichigo and co, right?
1. Chapter 1

AN: So, this is kinda a mildly incoherent (though nothing compared to how incoherent some of my oneshots have gotten) ramble of what I think it'd be like if Uryu kept a diary. With a slightly humorous edge and some pointing out of serious character flaws that I noticed while actually just trying to refresh myself on Bleach material. Because you really have to admit, there is some seriously unnecessary violence and rough treatment that is really ironic coming from a guy who claims his goal is to protect as many people as he can. And yes, there are some issues with Uryu claiming the moral higher ground here, but I'm fairly sure the Hollow bait wasn't intended to be that effective, it was supposed to be something manageable by the two of them without hurting others (considering that he's usually quite moral, I have a hard time believing he would purposefully endanger random people), so I personally believe his crime was a complete accident, whereas Ichigo's actions were just so many levels of deliberate. So, this will also attempt to lampshade any problems I find with Bleach while also remaining in character. I, er, hope this works?

Updates here are going to be very irregular, depending on when I have the time and the inspiration, cause this does require combing through canon a bit to get my facts as straight as possible, and god, I have zero motivation. I'm not even exaggerating. I came up with this idea in _July_ and then wrote part of this chapter before giving up. The rest of it was all written today.

Anyways, since I'm writing this, I might as well point out I have a poll/contest/thing on _A Bored Shinigami is a Dangerous Shinigami_ that should've ended in June, but since no one has voted in months, is still ongoing. Seriously, people, this is getting ridiculous, and some characters (including Uryu) only need one more vote to win.

Someone please suggest a better genre for this story than General

Okay, I'll shut up now. On to the story.

* * *

><p>I moved out of home today. When I told Ryūken, he just adjusted his glasses and said something about expecting my imminent failure and not to come crawling back to him. Honestly, the man. I can tolerate his insults about the Quincy (just barely), I can deal with the way he disrespects Grandfather (if I tune him out). But sewing? That, when combined with all the others, I cannot stand for! How dare Ryūken demean my favored past time! My kingdom for a horse, indeed. Only, I never liked this place anyways.<p>

And sewing is an excellent hobby. So f*ck you, Ryūken.

. . . even in a private journal, I cannot bear to write out swears.

* * *

><p>I went to see Don Kanonji's live TV program. I'm not sure why. That man is an utterly insipid fool and the ability to see spirits is wasted on him. The idiot actually stuck his staff inside the Plus' hole and turned it into a hollow! Grrr! D*mn you, universe! At least give the spirit seeing to someone harmless, if you won't give it to someone useful!<p>

I was going to intervene, but then that delinquent with radioactive hair from my school showed up in a shinigami shihakushō (why am I not surprised that he is one? They, like him, are all brute force numskulls lacking functional brains) and started taking care of it. So I left. Might as well let the idiot do the work for me; then a shinigami could actually be of some use to a Quincy for once. And I could've always handled it if he screwed up.

Surprisingly enough, he didn't.

* * *

><p>I saw the shinigami and his friends talking and laughing after getting off scot-free from punishment for the Don Kanonji debacle. Honestly, they shouldn't be so proud of that! Fleeing from authorities — they're such delinquents! They cannot always run away from their problems! What do they expect to do when they grow up?<p>

Then the short shinigami girl he was with dragged him off for a second and they went Hollow hunting. There wasn't a Hollow; I had already handled it by the time they arrived. But their tactics! The shinigami was most upset that he had to get "dressed up for nothing" and completely ignored the anguish of the sobbing spirit in front of them. And when they wanted information, they spoke in threatening tones, grabbed the spirit roughly and even kicked him twice! And again, the shinigami! He said he didn't care about the spirit's issues and then performed konso without explaining what it was, leaving the poor spirit confused and frightened about what was happening to him, especially since the shinigami was pointing a huge sword at him! What kind of immoral monsters are they?

On second thought, I can answer that. The kind who left my grandfather to die.

. . .

I was going to check my ranking on the list today when I heard the shinigami call me "Ametatsu". Ametatsu. Really? For God's sake, my name is read as _Uryū_. Even Ryūken isn't so cruel as to name his son Ametatsu! Hmph. Well, I guess I couldn't have expected any better from a shinigami. I'm surprised he even got my surname right.

. . . my God, the shinigami is ranked twenty-third on the list. The world is ending. Call the army.

. . .

They ran past me in the hall to get to the next Hollow. Have they no concern for the people around them? What if they crashed into someone?

No matter, I will beat them to this Hollow as well. _Without_ being a reckless idiot. I will never allow a shinigami to defeat me.

I've heard that the principal wants the shinigami's autograph. For what? Being an emotionally-stunted unnecessarily violent moron?

. . .

I ran into them tonight. And again, the shinigami only seems to care that he expended unnecessary effort, not that there could've been (and was) danger. I revealed to them that I know who they are, though I'm not quite sure what the point of that was. I'm sure it seemed cool, though. I also showed them my bow technique and basked a little in the wonder of my glory. Silently, of course.

Take that, Ryūken! Mr. "Being a Quincy is not a proper life path"

It seems, though, that he is even stupider than I thought. He cannot even comprehend something as simple as, "Shinigami are my enemy." There are quite literally four words in that sentence.

* * *

><p>Inoue-san brought the shinigami to the Handicrafts Club today. I could hear him saying, "He's not a real member because he's not doing macrame," or something along the lines. Hpmh. Well, I certainly showed him. I made it especially dramatic just for that.<p>

. . .

The shinigami followed me home. And he thought he was being subtle. There was quite literally no one else in the area; how could I not notice? Especially with how ridiculous his spiritual pressure is!

. . .

. . . I am utterly speechless.

At Kurosaki's sheer _stupidity_.

To settle the matter once and for all, I used some Hollow bait to summon a few to Karakura Town. He should've been able to handle it easily. I will admit the Menos Grande wasn't supposed to show up, but that's not the point.

The point is that Kurosaki is a moron!

Who thinks their power is on full-throttle all the time? For that matter, who would put their power on full throttle all the time? That's just an easy way of getting yourself killed! Not to mention, what kind of dimwit decides a good way to defeat an enormous Hollow is rushing at it and cutting its legs off from the bottom up? His sword was absolutely puny in comparison, he was lucky he wasn't killed! Even once his farce of a plan ended up with him getting kicked away mercilessly (served him right!) he ignored the one I carefully devised and did something of his own idiotic measure! Who's the one who kept preaching about teamwork, again? And then I had to go and save his stupid shinigami life!

Alright, I know the situation was my fault to begin with, now shut up, conscience!


	2. Chapter 2

AN: I present to you the next chapter of the Uryu Chronicles, which features Uryu being overly defensive and irritable in response to the previous events. He's . . . not happy that he couldn't handle the Menos Grande and that he saved Ichigo. As a result, well, let me put it this way: Dear God, Uryu is SUCH a tsundere.

This chapter's shorter than the last one. I'm really sorry about that, but the last sentence seemed like a good conclusion, and the next part of the Bleach storyline is Uryu's training, which doesn't seem to quite fit with the rest of this.

Also, I'm sorry I keep saying this, but someone please go put my _A Bored Shinigami is a Dangerous Shinigami_ poll out of its misery.

* * *

><p>My teacher noticed my injuries, unfortunately, and inquired as to their cause. I was forced to lie and say I fell down the stairs. Implausible, I know, but I cannot lie well when put on the spot. Why, of all things, was this one I had forgotten to prepare for? I have even devised plans in case of a stuffed animal invasion! And yet I did not think of excuses to explain away injuries?<p>

Part of that is likely due to the fact that Ochi-sensei (with all due respect, of course) is a completely irresponsible and apathetic adult. Why did she choose now of all times to do her job and actually be concerned? At least she went back to her usual self immediately after hearing my explanation, sparing me further pain.

I can _feel_ my classmates laughing at my excuse. I know it was terrible! Unlike the shinigami, I am not a complete imbecile!

STOP WHISPERING ABOUT ME, SHINIGAMI! I AM NOT DEAF! I CAN _HEAR _YOU TWO!

No, Asano, I was not talking to myself yesterday! I was talking to the moron of a shinigami sitting next to you! It truly shows how evil the shinigami are that they have devised a method to appear invisible, thus making us Quincy look like fools while we are only trying to protect the human race from them!

Shinigami! You and your friends quit _talking _about me!

And the rest of you! Quit staring broodingly off into the distance! You are neither cast members of an angsty teenage love drama nor stoic manly men in an anime!

. . . Although, admittedly, Sado comes rather close to the latter.

. . .

Lunchtime has began, and thus, so has the Asano Keigo Crazy Hour. While Asano was performing his usual antics, the shinigami invited _me_ to eat with them. _Me_.

I do not even need to call a psychologist; I can diagnose him right now. He is delusional and dangerous and should be removed from Karakura High School immediately. Perhaps brought to a psychiatric ward for the safety of the general public. I will even help in his extraction, as I'm sure things will get violent. No need to thank me; I am only doing my duty.

After thinking about it for a few moments, I realized his true aim. He seeks to get me to lower my guard, perhaps find out information about me. Well, I will not fall for it! I will exploit him instead, making him believe he is successful while revealing nothing! This way, I can save some money and exploit the shinigami (or, more accurately, his friends) while I am at it. Living on my own is expensive.

In some ways, the shinigami is proving truly useful. A rather excellent grunt. He does my work for me and is very easy to fool.

. . .

As it turns out, the shinigami and his friends eat on the roof. The atmosphere was depressing. I stayed silent at first so I could better observe them, but no one had anything to say. Of course, how could I expect much better?

After a few minutes, the shinigami pressured Asano into talking, putting on full display all his powers of compassion and empathy (that is to say, none). He even behaves this way to his _friends_. As Asano babbled his inane babble, I took advantage of the moment to try probing a little into the shinigami's motivations. He proclaimed that the reason he invited me was that he was in a good mood and I should thank him for it. My God, the arrogance! Especially since I nearly killed him!

. . . Wonderful. Now even my own mind won't let me forget what I've done. This is truly the cherry on top of the cake.

He also tried to force me to change my seating posture purely because he didn't like it. He didn't ask; he simply demanded. Could he get any more controlling? I feel like I should be calling some kind of hotline to warn them we have a future domestic abuser in our midsts.

. . .

I sensed two more shinigami with Kuchiki Rukia, so left to confront them. Unfortunately, I believe I may have accidentally explained that my excuse was an excuse out loud. D*mn my uncontrollable mouth!

The red-haired shinigami was even cruder and looked even more like a delinquent punk than the shinigami. I did not even know that was possible. Congratulations, shinigami, it seems that someone else has finally surpassed you in several of your unfortunate aspects. Why am I not surprised that it is another shinigami?

Kuchiki Rukia tried to protect me by denying that I was involved. Being protected by a shinigami? I cannot suffer that humiliation! So of course, I fought him. However, it seems he exceeds the shinigami in his skill at brute violence as well, and he defeated me, in no small part due to the wounds I had already incurred. I am currently considering calling him Shinigami 2.0

Before he could kill me, the shinigami showed up and they fought. With no finesse, naturally, seeing as how they are both shinigami. I would consider thanking him, but it is clear he only interceded for Kuchiki Rukia's sake. My life was merely a byproduct of that.

I don't remember much else about that night, aside from being treated by that shady blond man. I fear I may have said something foolish and deluded while woozy from bloodloss. But this is truly a superb turn of events. More shinigami in my life is just what I needed.

* * *

><p>AN: I'm sorry for including a second Author's Note, but there are some things I wanted to explain. First of all, Uryu does not seriously believe that Ichigo is a potential domestic abuser. He is in denial. He is trying to find things to dislike about Ichigo, so he is exaggerating some of his negative traits. He does dislike being bossed around, though. Similarly, Uryu does believe that he owes Ichigo post-rescue, but he really doesn't want to so he's coming up with excuses to justify his claims otherwise. And while he did black out for the Byakuya bit, Uryu remembers perfectly well what he said to Urahara, but he really regrets having said something so sentimental, about a shinigami, too, so again, he's in denial.<p>

. . . So yeah, this whole chapter can pretty much be summed up as, "Uryu is angry and defensive and in denial." He does sincerely consider Ichigo to be a bit of a rude, violent, idiotic jerk, but not as much as he claims.


End file.
